swallowed by the sea

there once was a shell

a pretty little shell

that sat on sprawling white beach.

along came a boy

a happy little boy

who extended his arm in a reach.

he picked up the shell

and said oh wow

this shell is so beautiful.

it glistens in the sun and

is perfect all around

no stone or rock has beaten it.

the boy was right

the shell was bright

and hard yet fragile too.

it could cut through skin

cause a man to bleed

yet it wont survive under a shoe.

the boy loved the shell

or so he thought

because the shell gave him such joy

but little did he know

that deep down in his soul

he still thought about his pearl

the pearl he found

it glistened in the sun

and its glory was not matched.

it was hard as rock

yet we all are shocked

when we first hear its made of sand.

the pearl is wonderful

it glistens in the sun

much like the shell the boy found

and the question is

though the answer is plain

in the boy's heart does which remain?

its here and not there. i want it my way, life is not fair. shackled by my own inadequacy.

how how how?

someday

someday i might finally find the perfect guitar.

but who knows when that will be?

right now im just sifting through slowly.

eyeing enviously at some guitars,

playing some at the store,

but unwilling to commit and buy the guitar.

the costs of buying the wrong one is too great.

and so i wait, for someday to come.

for the most beautiful of guitars to be discovered by i.

wait for me. dont play beautifully for others.

sing the sweetest only when in my hands.

i will find you.

i am the sea.

i shiver when the wind blows.

the wind makes me powerful.

power to make caves in granite.

power to claim cities.

power to claim the best of seaman.

i am the sea.

let me embrace you.

let me refresh your soul

dont run inland, because i will become the rain.

dont find shelter, because i will find my way to your drink.

take a canoe and lay on me.

i will carry you.

ra ra

today leaders meeting. i feel like this is going to be an awesome new year.

for me, i think its really time to rise to the next level. but i think, im still rather within my comfort zone. central. but one thing at a time. im gonna try to be a very good shepherd. i usually suck at that.

i can be a good listener, cuz i know in theory how to be one. but when im listening, i just really wanna say something and give advice, or tell the person to snap out of it. usually i dont la. but just trying to say that im not a natural shepherd, hence my lack of shepherding in my ministry thus far. this past year, ive been working on it. i think its worked to some extent. i can feel a sort of closeness to my members. but somehow, with my potentials, ie sherwyn, jae, i dont really feel that. strange huh. well, with the new CLs, CLTs under me, i promise, by God's grace, to try to really be your friend, and not just your advisor or whatever.

this year is gonna be an awesome year of ministry. i can feel it in the air. there is a shift in perspectives and expectations among the leaders. there is a new thirst and hunger. and a greater sense of commitment.

commitment.

sorry sheares hall. God's calling me. i'll clear my commitments, touch and handball, den its gonna be minimal from now on. phantomize so to speak. only that phantom is just what you see. what i truly am is a man, pursuing his passion and calling. sheares hall is not part of my identity. yes i love ya'll i wish i could be loyal to everyone. im usually an amiable person. but i need to choose this day whom i shall serve. paul says in galatians something like.. if im trying to please man, can i be called a servant of Christ?

feeling odd today. like restless, yet not. just all over the place. brain here and there. thoughts flying. dont care about anything in the world kind of feeling.

but my mind is so clear about one thing. its time for revival.

dfs

dfs. DemPhrickingShack.

down with cough, cold, lots on my mind.

today at service, i was really inspired by the phrase, my food is to do the will of my father.

wow.

that to me is revelation. i used to think of doing the will of God as something that is great, important, yet, supplementary. but no. it is apparently not less important than QT or daily prayer or attending church. it is really, the thing that keeps us going; our food. so TRUE. think about it. faith without action is dead. if you have faith, but you take no action, your faith will die.

but well, i'll be frank, im so tired! yeah, seems like ive gotten no better since the last post. but here, i'm so tired from serving. its like endless things to do. and what tires me most is thinking about the things i have to do! with this whole cell multiplying thing, im just really stretched. actually, i havent been doing much yet, but well, just the thought of it.

also, we've no maid, no part time helper to help with the housework. wah lau weh.. seriously. we need one. both parents full time jobs. sister so busy with school, me too. like mom says.. the just doing laundry itself can kill us already. we really need to get some help la. this family is not meant to be doing household chores... but anyway, while waiting for help to come, been really stretched helping around the house. first thing, of course, was to clean my room and sort out my things. that took quite a while, cuz its been piling up since enlisting last year. lol. den, on the side, wash dishes, ironing, sweep floor.. COW MAN. shack! but i hope no one from my family hears my complains. cuz i know my mom and dad quite stretched too. esp mom.

mom is just the AWESOME. supporting dad and all. i mean, dad is really tired these past months and all. and mom has just been like.. rising up to meet his needs and everything. but i bet, mom is really tired too. in fact, i had a dream that she was really quite stressed out and stuff. hence, i decided that i really wanna help out more. sorry to friends and whoever, i feel horrible, but my family needs me right now.

dfs. but Your mercies are new every morning. Your grace is sufficient for me. young men grow weary, so be my strength oh Lord. and pls help us find some helper or something soon.. plspls.

i think i might have to come to this conclusion.

i havent been myself lately. im not sure what it is, but its like some kind of devil has creeped into me. making me tired, lonely and even selfish.

i do hope this is not "myself".

im tired. i dont know why. i get my sleep, i eat my meals, i have ample rest. i often try to attribute it to a sleep debt from MIDS that i havent been able to rid myself of, but i think its more than that. i think on some level, i am tired of life. which is strange to me, and perhaps many, because i have such a full life serving the lord and family and friends and all. but at some level, i think i am.

im lonely. i read in a book that when a person doesnt spend time with others enough, he becomes inward, he becomes wierd, he forgets what it means to be social and how to build relationships. thats not me. ive got friends, ive got acquaintances. i hang out, i play lan. i have social meals. but yet, there is something thats just like a gaping hole in my heart. i feel lonely. and to be completely frank, i feel like my friends dont really care about me. or at least as much as i hoped them to. but i love my friends, i do. you know who you are. i love you.

selfish. i feel quite wretched, really. i wonder if anything i do is REALLY for anyone other than myself. i feel like i dont know my own intentions and motives. strange huh. it feels like i have 2 people living in me. the ming that i have constructed and developed (not necessarily a fake person though) and the ming thats undeveloped and cast aside and tired and lonely and selfish.

here is my attempt at being real once again. i dont think i could verbally say any of this to anyone, so i have to write it out in arial font.

to those who care,

and i dont mean just those fair.

oh God, please get me out of this emo state.