i think i might have to come to this conclusion.

i havent been myself lately. im not sure what it is, but its like some kind of devil has creeped into me. making me tired, lonely and even selfish.

i do hope this is not "myself".

im tired. i dont know why. i get my sleep, i eat my meals, i have ample rest. i often try to attribute it to a sleep debt from MIDS that i havent been able to rid myself of, but i think its more than that. i think on some level, i am tired of life. which is strange to me, and perhaps many, because i have such a full life serving the lord and family and friends and all. but at some level, i think i am.

im lonely. i read in a book that when a person doesnt spend time with others enough, he becomes inward, he becomes wierd, he forgets what it means to be social and how to build relationships. thats not me. ive got friends, ive got acquaintances. i hang out, i play lan. i have social meals. but yet, there is something thats just like a gaping hole in my heart. i feel lonely. and to be completely frank, i feel like my friends dont really care about me. or at least as much as i hoped them to. but i love my friends, i do. you know who you are. i love you.

selfish. i feel quite wretched, really. i wonder if anything i do is REALLY for anyone other than myself. i feel like i dont know my own intentions and motives. strange huh. it feels like i have 2 people living in me. the ming that i have constructed and developed (not necessarily a fake person though) and the ming thats undeveloped and cast aside and tired and lonely and selfish.

here is my attempt at being real once again. i dont think i could verbally say any of this to anyone, so i have to write it out in arial font.

to those who care,

and i dont mean just those fair.

oh God, please get me out of this emo state.