self worth

i feel like money.

last time 20 cents one bowl of noodles. now, people wont even turn back to pick up a 20 cent coin they drop on the floor.

but money is void of emotion. it has no will or preference or love.

i. i am an individual. i cant take it that im treated like that 20 cent coin.

pardon me. but i think i deserve better.

- .... .. ... / .. .... / -- --.- / .... - .- - . -- . -. - / --- -.-- / -.-- .- .. - ....

God, you ARE my value. i am worth what you say im worth.

i look to you my source and my provider.

i basically need to know in my heart that i mean enough to someone.

ming

ready for sea

So im back for my VA. i have total of 10 weeks here. its been 3 weeks already and i do indeed feel like i have learned so much.

i was just thinking, in the case of a physical war, when are we ready to fight a physical war? when are we truly "operationally ready"?

many times i feel we place much emphasis on being ready in terms of equipment, processes and technology. but is that all there is?

We are ready for war not when our systems are ready, but when our men are willing to fight.

i need to ponder this more..

i dont even konw

its so hard to carry on without reciprocation.

its like paying for food, but not being served any.

its like trying to clapping your hands, but there is no sound.

its like cooking a meal, and no one appreciates.

its like giving your heart, but no one's receiving it.

time crunch

when 24 hours is not enough

what do you cut back on?

that is what is TRULY unimportant to you.

all the other bull you talk during fair weather is useless.

Be my source, be my hope

Be my only one.

the words to the song that im writing

time after time i have fallen short of your glory

yet your agape has never failed to restore me

i fall down before your throne because i'm unworthy

yet you take this act and call it worship

how amazing: the miracle of salvation

how amazing: Christ was the solution

forever i will live for Your glory and praise

be it far from me that i should ever walk away

deliver me from my sin and my shame

as i sing this song, i want to never be the same

how amazing: You're renewing my mind

how amazing: i'll bow down to lift your name high

rev 15

great and marvelous are your deeds, Lord God Almighty

just and true are your ways, King of the ages.

Who will not fear you, O Lord, and bring glory to your name?

For you alone are holy

All the nations will come and worship before you,

for your righteous acts have been revealed.

from a post in 08

there is a tree planted by streams of water
the tree works hard to try to keep the wet soil from eroding away
he blames the stream for his tiredness and all
only to realise,
the stream gives him strength to keep everything together.

reflections in a glass of water

Reflections on 21 days.

i was praying that God would save mamakongkong (maternal grandma and grandpa).

that God would grant me a new tongue.

for various people and their families.

first and third nothing yet.

but 2, which is personal, OMGSH, i think God has granted it to me! just realised it today when praying before worship at Megalife. when i was praying for myself and stuff, it was shurabasekaetaerama (something like that) but when i was interceding for megalife it was kiyalalala basekaerlalala (something like that!) and it was completely natural! happened on a few other ocassions too just that i didnt get a chance to realise that one was warfare kind, the other was more building up kind! the building up kind being the new one! (:

awesome!

other than that, i feel my heart is revived. its like ive realised that my ministry is not to tell people to Go. my ministry is first and formost to GO! it is my responsibility to shake up the place God has put me in.

i feel a burning desire to look outward and not inward.

im itching to let people know that there is more to life! that there is hope and grace and salvation!

hearing abby share on church at work really struck a chord in my heart! i want in on that!

hearing joyee share about her street e with her sec 1s. 11 salvations! how awesome is that!!!

Lord! open up the heavens and pour out a mighty rain!

Reflections on leadership

sometimes i really have no idea what to do!

oh God give me wisdom!

you placed me here, your word you threw at me.

i received it, ive obeyed it.

now i think its fair for me to demand that you PLEASE HELP ME.

i cant do this on my own,

this burden of leadership give me strength to hold

your sheep, your loves, i dare not take lightly

this call, i pray is truly Yours.

Reflections on life

i feel like at ostrich sometimes.

fast, strong.

but im a bird that cant fly.

pondering songs

so you know about the mike guliemucchi incident where he actually wrote the song healer, as a cry about his porn addiction, but lied to everyone that he was suffering from cancer and was dieing. was i hurt? yeah. i mean, a man of God whom i respect lied about everything i respected him for.. of course i'd be shocked and hurt.

i wonder what has happened to him? like is he rehabilitating? is he under counselling or discipline?

whatever the case, the song speaks to me. i have my struggles, like him. lust and whatever. im blessed by it everytime i hear it.

i watched the video of him leading that song, with his tubes and all. EVERYONE in that auditorium was just totally worshipping whole-heartedly to that song. for me, if i was there, and i had a terminal cancer person leading a song about God being a healer (even though he has not been healed) i would totally be touched by his faith. amazing. proclaiming God's healing power even before he was healed. thats some serious confidence in the character of God.

yeah, so everyone was worshipping... but wasn't it that the holy spirit was like touching them and all as they sang that song? was God blessed by their worship?

i think so you know.. because at that point, everyone's hearts were "right" assuming that deceit is what we are considering here... only mike was the liar. even then, though he was lying to everyone, in his heart, he knew what he was singing about.. does God listen to his worship even as he is sinning while engaging?

so like, God works despite our sins and our unrighteousness and our ignorance. THANK GOD AND PRAISE HIM! he is holy yet merciful to receive us in our imperfect states. oh but it really sucks to be mike. i mean.. i really hope that things turn around and that he'll get back, but its just so hard. image and reputation and all. Gone. He ought to be disciplined and to face the consequences of his actions.. but i pray that God's grace will be sufficient. and that in his weakness, HIS power will be made perfect.

but for all worshippers, this is why it is important for us to sing our own song to God and not someone else's. we don't completely know every story behind every song. and yes, in a sense, ignorance is bliss, but i'd rather not you know what i mean? i mean, its like, sinning in ignorance, is still sin, and perhaps God will forgive you on account of his mercy and grace, but wouldn't you, a "lover of God" want to know your sins so that you can deal with them and please God more? i would. likewise, though singing a tainted song in ignorance is not sin, but i would like to make my worship truly MINE. and leave no chance of taintedness from anyone. you know what i mean?

debris scattered far and wide

im starting to feel you dont really give a damn about me.

or rather, that i give way more of a damn about you than you do i.

oh what am i to do?

what am i to say?

everything i do and say seems to fall flat.

but then somehow,

when the windows of our heart meet,

i feel as if my soul in reaching you

has touched your out reached soul.

and the things you say

they melt me inside and make me sure of your intentions.

sometimes i feel like i'm just a floating log in the ocean.

you won't give a damn about me until you need me.

falling slowly

I don't know you But I want you All the more for that Words fall through me And always fool me And I can't react And games that never amount To more than they're meant Will play themselves out  Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice You've made it now  Falling slowly, eyes that know me And I can't go back Moods that take me and erase me And I'm painted black You have suffered enough And warred with yourself It's time that you won

falling slowly - glen hansard

sometimes you can't make it on your own

i hear the train coming, the announcement to stand back has been made.

the platform is buzzing, people start to make their way.

the train in packed and i hate to squeeze.

the train has left without me.

will there be a next train?

love is a commitment.

thats what i've been taught and have been teaching others. but im reconsidering.

that phrase sounds horrible and boring and just so... SUFFOCATING.

like.. commitment? you mean like how i commit to going to the gym every week (fail). i commit to maintaining a healthy diet (fail). i commit to practicing my guitar daily for 2 hours (fail).

its not just the failure, but the thought of being held to another commitment is just not fantastic as i thought love should be.

God is love. God is commitment? i think God is more fantastic than that.

come on. should love be what makes me wanna practice my guitar everyday? and even if i dont, it doesn't mean that i dont love my music and my craft.

shouldn't love be more of a force than human will and perseverance?

call me a hollywood junkie or whatever, but i think they must have gotten SOMETHING about love right. when i see the male protagonist and the female lead, eyes locked on each other, occassionally glancing down at each other's lips in anticipation, i see something much more than commitment.

i see thunder.

i see fire.

i see a million sunsets and roses from all exotic locations.

there is something in me that yearns to love. by this, i dont mean generic love, like love the whole world love. i mean.. romance and hugs and all that girly stuff.

and whats inside of me is not a longing to be committed. there is this tugging, this pushing, this force thats making me long to love. to make another feel my "force". to give warmth. to give smiles. to paint pictures. to write songs.

love is a force. if you pull me towards you, i will pull you towards me. if we keep going in circles, the force will push us out. without a force, we'll simply be at constant speed, cruising. or worse still, at rest.

love is gravity. thats why people fall in love. i gravitate towards you, you gravitate towards me.

love is magnetic.

no love is not a commitment. love is a force. and this force will remain strong forever; or at least, till death do us part.

swallowed by the sea

there once was a shell

a pretty little shell

that sat on sprawling white beach.

along came a boy

a happy little boy

who extended his arm in a reach.

he picked up the shell

and said oh wow

this shell is so beautiful.

it glistens in the sun and

is perfect all around

no stone or rock has beaten it.

the boy was right

the shell was bright

and hard yet fragile too.

it could cut through skin

cause a man to bleed

yet it wont survive under a shoe.

the boy loved the shell

or so he thought

because the shell gave him such joy

but little did he know

that deep down in his soul

he still thought about his pearl

the pearl he found

it glistened in the sun

and its glory was not matched.

it was hard as rock

yet we all are shocked

when we first hear its made of sand.

the pearl is wonderful

it glistens in the sun

much like the shell the boy found

and the question is

though the answer is plain

in the boy's heart does which remain?

its here and not there. i want it my way, life is not fair. shackled by my own inadequacy.

how how how?

someday

someday i might finally find the perfect guitar.

but who knows when that will be?

right now im just sifting through slowly.

eyeing enviously at some guitars,

playing some at the store,

but unwilling to commit and buy the guitar.

the costs of buying the wrong one is too great.

and so i wait, for someday to come.

for the most beautiful of guitars to be discovered by i.

wait for me. dont play beautifully for others.

sing the sweetest only when in my hands.

i will find you.

i am the sea.

i shiver when the wind blows.

the wind makes me powerful.

power to make caves in granite.

power to claim cities.

power to claim the best of seaman.

i am the sea.

let me embrace you.

let me refresh your soul

dont run inland, because i will become the rain.

dont find shelter, because i will find my way to your drink.

take a canoe and lay on me.

i will carry you.

ra ra

today leaders meeting. i feel like this is going to be an awesome new year.

for me, i think its really time to rise to the next level. but i think, im still rather within my comfort zone. central. but one thing at a time. im gonna try to be a very good shepherd. i usually suck at that.

i can be a good listener, cuz i know in theory how to be one. but when im listening, i just really wanna say something and give advice, or tell the person to snap out of it. usually i dont la. but just trying to say that im not a natural shepherd, hence my lack of shepherding in my ministry thus far. this past year, ive been working on it. i think its worked to some extent. i can feel a sort of closeness to my members. but somehow, with my potentials, ie sherwyn, jae, i dont really feel that. strange huh. well, with the new CLs, CLTs under me, i promise, by God's grace, to try to really be your friend, and not just your advisor or whatever.

this year is gonna be an awesome year of ministry. i can feel it in the air. there is a shift in perspectives and expectations among the leaders. there is a new thirst and hunger. and a greater sense of commitment.

commitment.

sorry sheares hall. God's calling me. i'll clear my commitments, touch and handball, den its gonna be minimal from now on. phantomize so to speak. only that phantom is just what you see. what i truly am is a man, pursuing his passion and calling. sheares hall is not part of my identity. yes i love ya'll i wish i could be loyal to everyone. im usually an amiable person. but i need to choose this day whom i shall serve. paul says in galatians something like.. if im trying to please man, can i be called a servant of Christ?

feeling odd today. like restless, yet not. just all over the place. brain here and there. thoughts flying. dont care about anything in the world kind of feeling.

but my mind is so clear about one thing. its time for revival.

dfs

dfs. DemPhrickingShack.

down with cough, cold, lots on my mind.

today at service, i was really inspired by the phrase, my food is to do the will of my father.

wow.

that to me is revelation. i used to think of doing the will of God as something that is great, important, yet, supplementary. but no. it is apparently not less important than QT or daily prayer or attending church. it is really, the thing that keeps us going; our food. so TRUE. think about it. faith without action is dead. if you have faith, but you take no action, your faith will die.

but well, i'll be frank, im so tired! yeah, seems like ive gotten no better since the last post. but here, i'm so tired from serving. its like endless things to do. and what tires me most is thinking about the things i have to do! with this whole cell multiplying thing, im just really stretched. actually, i havent been doing much yet, but well, just the thought of it.

also, we've no maid, no part time helper to help with the housework. wah lau weh.. seriously. we need one. both parents full time jobs. sister so busy with school, me too. like mom says.. the just doing laundry itself can kill us already. we really need to get some help la. this family is not meant to be doing household chores... but anyway, while waiting for help to come, been really stretched helping around the house. first thing, of course, was to clean my room and sort out my things. that took quite a while, cuz its been piling up since enlisting last year. lol. den, on the side, wash dishes, ironing, sweep floor.. COW MAN. shack! but i hope no one from my family hears my complains. cuz i know my mom and dad quite stretched too. esp mom.

mom is just the AWESOME. supporting dad and all. i mean, dad is really tired these past months and all. and mom has just been like.. rising up to meet his needs and everything. but i bet, mom is really tired too. in fact, i had a dream that she was really quite stressed out and stuff. hence, i decided that i really wanna help out more. sorry to friends and whoever, i feel horrible, but my family needs me right now.

dfs. but Your mercies are new every morning. Your grace is sufficient for me. young men grow weary, so be my strength oh Lord. and pls help us find some helper or something soon.. plspls.

i think i might have to come to this conclusion.

i havent been myself lately. im not sure what it is, but its like some kind of devil has creeped into me. making me tired, lonely and even selfish.

i do hope this is not "myself".

im tired. i dont know why. i get my sleep, i eat my meals, i have ample rest. i often try to attribute it to a sleep debt from MIDS that i havent been able to rid myself of, but i think its more than that. i think on some level, i am tired of life. which is strange to me, and perhaps many, because i have such a full life serving the lord and family and friends and all. but at some level, i think i am.

im lonely. i read in a book that when a person doesnt spend time with others enough, he becomes inward, he becomes wierd, he forgets what it means to be social and how to build relationships. thats not me. ive got friends, ive got acquaintances. i hang out, i play lan. i have social meals. but yet, there is something thats just like a gaping hole in my heart. i feel lonely. and to be completely frank, i feel like my friends dont really care about me. or at least as much as i hoped them to. but i love my friends, i do. you know who you are. i love you.

selfish. i feel quite wretched, really. i wonder if anything i do is REALLY for anyone other than myself. i feel like i dont know my own intentions and motives. strange huh. it feels like i have 2 people living in me. the ming that i have constructed and developed (not necessarily a fake person though) and the ming thats undeveloped and cast aside and tired and lonely and selfish.

here is my attempt at being real once again. i dont think i could verbally say any of this to anyone, so i have to write it out in arial font.

to those who care,

and i dont mean just those fair.

oh God, please get me out of this emo state.